I have been thinking on this topic for a while but conveniently kept putting it aside. Who wants to think, or the least, write about the ugly parts of them?
Then today, on my daily walk, I realized that “our life is the instrument where we experiment with the truth”!
Then, I came back inside from my walk, and knew, the time to face this singular topic had come.
Each day I strive to be a better person, and without a doubt, in the past year I have had a 280 degree of transformation. Yet, I am far from perfection. I am, sometimes, not an easy person to deal with. I can be stubborn, strong-headed, opinionated, ungrateful, even mean I believe.
There are days when I see the long arms of the old me emerging from the deepness inside, trying to hold on to something, to anything really, that can give it some leverage, so it can emerge again.
Sometimes I feel the old ego screaming for attention, for acknowledgement. No, my ego is not dead, and it is not at all my intention to kill it, but its voice, can sometimes be extremely loud.
I have learned along the way, how to subside and appease its demands, not giving too much importance to it as I did in the past. Ego is one of those necessary evils in our lives. Sometimes however, we get too entangled with its needs, giving too much power to it, letting it control us instead of us controlling it, and then things get all messed up.
Ego gets what it wants, we are happy for a mere minute before we realize that, in order to keep the ego happy we have lost more precious things: people, relationships, friendships, lovers, etc…Yes, I know, I am no exception…sometimes I let myself get convinced that I am ‘that special’, that I deserve ‘all that glitter’, the ‘how dare you?’ comes all too easy…
However, while learning to live in simplicity, I have understood that it is also letting the ego simmer down. It is not all about me but the communion of me and others and the universe around me.
It is understanding and accepting different opinions and visions. Even though I have acquired this knowledge along the way I still, sometimes, fall into a trap and go back to a vicious cycle that I am trying to eliminate.
The moment to “experiment with the truth” is the next step on my journey. Recognizing the moment this ego comes lurking is usually when I am not aware of it and is the one thing that still tricks me. I can feel it when it happens, however it is usually too late, some damage has already been done, and I have already acted on it. My goal is to feel it coming, and prevent it from showing its ugly face.
To understand and acknowledge the needs of my ego, which I feel, is by far the ugliest part of me. I have to listen to it and comprehend the “why” of its demands, and to be able to see the insecurities and fears hidden beyond its actions, and then – internally explain why it cannot be! why there is no need for such silly behavior, or why it can’t behave the way it, sometimes do.
This is a daily exercise which you have to tap into the resourceful power within. The ego will come out again when you least expect it, and when you finally believe it is under control, it will come to show you it isn’t. (Some days I am more successful than others).
In the end, I believe, it all makes part of the dynamics we call life. Just like a painting, when we admire the end results, there will always be a little piece that seems out-of-place, those little pieces do manage to always catch the attention of an interested observer, we will look at the beautiful art and wonder :”What was the artist thinking?”
Discovering and learning to walk ‘the path with heart’, forces me to be honest with myself and see that my life is not all made of flowers, fireworks and lady like behavior.
There are thorns, there are weeds, there are many wholes and a dark side in me that are far from what one would expect from lady. There is much beauty but there are also much ugliness.
Once I have the courage to face them, to be truthful with and to myself, I know the ugliness will, almost magically, lose its power to scare me, to intimidate me, to make me feel uncomfortable.
I will find within, the answer and finally understand the beauty and purpose of my journey. The ugliness and the beauty of me becomes exquisite nuances between the light and the shadows. One, as important as the other, and with that, I create, one stroke at a time, my own unique masterpiece.
xo,
Camellia